Tired and Blue, Surrounded by Gray (and still, I won’t drink)

IMG_468631027Day 2: It’s a dreary, rainy day outside and my mood isn’t awesome. OK, it sucks. I feel tired and sad, and would really love to curl into a ball and just sleep away the afternoon. Instead I’ll write about it. Get it out, then go work out. I promised myself that much, and that self-love I’m working on means moving my body too. Even when I don’t feel like it.

I just saw my dad for brunch — he’s visiting from Idaho for the weekend — and while I arrived at brunch feeling a bit sad and depressed, I left crying. Nothing my dad did. Just me feeling emotions at the surface of my skin, having to say goodbye to my dad, and having him tell me how proud of me he is that I’ve quit drinking.


Normally I would buy a bottle of red wine and medicate. I’d probably head back for a second after the first one disappeared down my gullet. But not today. Not anymore.

Dad quit drinking 35 years ago and he said again today, I would have died if I hadn’t stopped. I don’t think I know what he means and I didn’t ask. But I can tell myself my drinking isn’t that bad yet, at least physically. Emotionally and spiritually might be another story. As I look back at how I have used wine to soothe and numb my feelings, I think I’ve probably been doing some damage in those areas for a while.

I heard part of a TED talk today on which the featured speaker said, The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s VITALITY.

Over the last 10 years I’ve felt my vitality slowly slip away. Worn down by a decade of life’s difficulties and a river of red wine.


I’m going to see some live music later tonight. I don’t want to go. I’d rather get in bed and sleep, or read. But the tickets were expensive, and more importantly, I have friends who will be expecting me there. I’m sure it’s best for me to get out and be among people when I feel down like this, but man, tonight I’m going through the motions.

One foot in front of the other. That’s what’s important, right?

A good friend of mine texted me last week, on October 27. It was a full moon, and what she didn’t know is that I was (once again) quitting drinking. In the last few months I’ve been gaining strength and momentum to finally do it, changing my mindset and accepting the inevitability and rightness of it. Such a massive paradigm shift takes time to sink in, to take hold — at least it has for me. My friend texted me this horoscope about the moon (I’m a Taurus) and had no idea how apropos it really was. Today, feeling how I feel, it seems more powerful than ever.

The Full Moon in Taurus on October 27, 2015 (9:05am EST) straddles the axis of holding on and letting go. Some things are meant to remain solid and consistent, so that we may build reality and find peace in steadiness, but some things hold on well past their due. Familiarity becomes stagnation and hinders our progress. Be present with what comes up today. The inner masculine and feminine are reorganizing themselves. Adjust relationships and finances accordingly. Discern what you really want and what can work better. Allow for something greater than you to create reformation. Through accepting change, necessary resources naturally flow according to a Divine Order. Surrender attachment, and honor the natural timeline of healing.

My life coach turned me on to Danielle LaPorte, a motivational author and speaker. I’ve never seen her speak, but she has daily aphorisms that sometimes resonate, like, You gotta let go and It’s already happening. She asks, What do you need to do to feel the way you want to feel?

Indeed. That is the question.


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