Day 5, Friday night white knuckles

It’s Friday night and it’s taking all my will power not to walk to the store and buy a bottle.

BREATHE….

I was going to walk down there with my dog to give him a walk and so I could buy more fizzy water, but I’m afraid if I do I’ll buy a bottle of red wine. Or two.

BREATHE…

I’ve been reading blogs and saying OUT LOUD why I don’t want to drink, and I’m able to hold onto the thought for about 30 seconds before it’s washed away like rain on the windshield.

SWISH. and gone.

Hold on….

SWISH. and gone.

  • I don’t want to start at Day One again
  • I don’t want to feel like shit tomorrow — physically and emotionally
  • I don’t need alcohol to feel good or to feel less lonely
  • My life will be SO MUCH BETTER without alcohol. It will get easier. This will pass.

This will pass.

This will pass.

THIS WILL PASS.

  • You don’t want the calories. You want to have a clearer mind and lighter spirit.
  • You will be so proud of yourself if you stay strong.

BREATHE…

  • You don’t need to escape. Going for a walk in the rain is better than anything the wine will give you.
  • It steals your confidence.
  • You will look like shit. Puffy. Peaked.
  • Wash your face. Grab your book and read until you fall asleep. Take a sleeping pill if you must, but get through tonight and get to the light of day tomorrow.

Oh my god, I swear if it weren’t for knowing I would have to start over again tomorrow with this blog and admit I drank — or abandon it completely — I would have gone to the store already. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m having dinner and going to an amazing music show tomorrow night (Glen Hansard) with my sister who is sober and I don’t want to tell her I caved and drank, I’d be downing a nice bottle of Cab right now. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m starting a bleedin’ “Mindfulness” class on Monday that is all about preventing “relapse” and I don’t want to admit to a group of people I haven’t EVEN MET YET  that I drank tonight, I would be gleefully corking an expensive couple of bottles (reward for 5 days! I’ll quit again soon so it better be good!), and pouring them down my throat, hangover be damned.

BREATHE….

I’m not going to drink. I’m going for a walk my dog who has just walked over and put his head on my lap. He knows. He always knows how I’m feeling. It’s raining and I don’t care. I’m going to walk this off and I’m not bringing my debit card so there’s no risk of ending up at the store. We’re walking, then I’m going to come home, wash my face, crawl into bed and WILL IT TO BE TOMORROW.

Bloody hell.

I’m not going to drink. And it shouldn’t be so hard. This is so stupid! Gah.

Breathing…

Rachel.

p.s. As I re-read this, I know I’m clutching too tightly. I need to do my best to adopt the Buddhist way and let go of the grasping. Breathe and leeeet goooo…

(Ahhh! That’s fucking easy for the Buddhists to say! Jaysus.)

5 thoughts on “Day 5, Friday night white knuckles

  1. You’ve got this, Rachel. And a walk? Awesome. Let it pour! You will not drink tonight. Go, YOU.* …. Also, that ‘nice Cab’ is a fucking asshole, and you can tell it (in your mind, or aloud) I said so. You’ve got this. You do. And if you don’t? Bed is an awesome back-up plan. Truly. Keep us posted, okay? -HM.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Do whatever you need to do just don’t drink, here’s what I used to tell myself “you can drink all you like tomorrow, just not today” of course I would tell myself the same thing the next day. It gets easier, if you give into it, it wins, not you.

    Liked by 1 person

      • It really does, promise. I’ve been there so understand what it’s like, sometimes I’d cry, have a bath and put myself to bed early just to ride through it. Now, I can’t remember the last time I thought about drinking. Its not easy but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. you deserve to treat yourself well. x

        Liked by 1 person

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