Boo yeah – Double digits

Bill MurrayI’ve never made it to double digits before. My whole drinking life. It’s been ten days without a drink, and I feel pretty good. My mind feels clear, I realized this morning I didn’t take ANY ibuprofen today (unheard of!), and I do feel a bit more confident than I have in recent months. A bit.

Although I shouldn’t have stepped on the scale this morning. That didn’t help. I’m up a few pounds in the last few weeks. I guess all that mac-n-cheese and chocolate is paying off! :-/  So, while I completely agree that it’s better to be eating than drinking, if I start putting on weight, it’s going to be a problem. I had binge eating disorder in college which I got over, but gaining weight will still be a real mind fuck, and will not help me stay alcohol free. So, today I tried harder to keep the snacking in check. Tomorrow too. I’ll figure out how to stop putting things in my mouth to keep it occupied AND still say no thanks to alcohol. I will.

I also looked really tired today. Like I’ve said, I keep waiting to start looking AMAAAAZING, which would actually be a great boost in motivation, but so far, not so much. Maybe it’s because I’ve gained a little weight? Maybe it’s because my skin is breaking out (hello toxins gushing out of my liver!), I feel like I’m retaining water which isn’t normal for me (despite the gallons of herbal tea I’m drinking), and my dog woke me up a couple of times in the middle of night, so I woke up this morning looking like I’d actually drunk a couple of bottles — without the hangover.

This is not how this is supposed to work.

I’m hanging in there. I did my best with my makeup this morning and then just hid behind a pair of chunky glasses instead of wearing contacts. Issue solved.

Now my next goal is two weeks — this Saturday. Heya, Monster inspired me to set mini-goals and as soon as I nail one, immediately start another one. I’m not always awesome at setting goals and keeping them, but now that I’ve made it to 10 days, I’m going for 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then 30 days, then… I guess we’ll see! 100 days? Solstice-to-solstice?

Simmer down, simmer down…

First, 2 weeks. Two weeks and go easy on the mac-n-cheese. And get enough sleep. And get more exercise.

At 3:30 today the wine goblin whispered in my ear: mmm, it’s almost the holiday. What a RELEASE you’ll feel with a bottle or two of gorgeous red. That bastard is insidious.

I finished Annie Grace’s book This Naked Mind, Control Alcohol last night, and re-read my favorite (highlighted) parts of The Sober Revolution, Women Calling Time on Wine O’clock, by Sarah Turner and Lucy Rocca too. I bought that book at least a year ago, and re-reading the parts that resonated with me was interesting. They were all the same messages from Annie Grace’s book, as it turns out. I guess I just wasn’t ready to really do it yet.

In order to walk away from booze for good, it is essential that upon reaching this incredibly positive and empowering decision, you recognize that it is a step which will lead you to great things, the beginning of an exciting adventure and a whole new way of life.

– The Sober Revolution

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that for most people, quitting alcohol is a process, and the HUGEST part is the mental shift. It took me a while to be ready, lots of negotiating with myself about moderation, lots of trials and fall-starts and lessons. Lost of frustration and shame and regret. I really do want an alcohol-free life, but despite it all, the addicted part of my brain is still fighting tooth and nail to change my mind. It will take time and practice to starve that ass hole wine goblin long enough that he finally unclenches from my brain stem. But I know the truth now and he can fuck himself.

And anyway, they say anything worth having doesn’t come easy, right?


Day 10. Rachel.

18 thoughts on “Boo yeah – Double digits

  1. It’s going to work exactly how it’s supposed to work, right? The best part is that you know what to do – don’t drink and tell the wine goblin to fuck off. You have taken the first and biggest and scariest step by committing to not drinking. Everything after that is simply building on that. 10 days is huge and fantastic and freaking bad ass. Keep rolling.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Congratulations on double digits! I have to say, I didn’t get that dewy skin and clear eyes look right away when I quit either. It all did get better though. Love the mini-goals idea. And you’re doing so great with them. Hooray you! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Awesome!
    The body takes a long long time to start to heal. I expected to feel fabulous immediately. I didn’t. It took quite a while. Like weeks…maybe months…for my sleep, digestion, headaches, etc to figure themselves out.
    But they did and I never ever take ibuprofen or alma seltzer any more and I lived on them drinking.

    As for the food. Stop weighing your self. I also have a bad history of eating disorders. I’m a starver. I love the feeling of control I get by restricting food and eating only a few, very specific foods.

    I let that go in early sobriety and I threw away the scale. It was the most liberating thing I have done.

    My weight has fluctuated a bit. At about 3 months I started restricting food and definitely lost weight, and at that time I started going to AA to find support and it helped. Not really with not drinking, but with the realization that I am not the only confused and scared and lonely person in the world.

    I also have a nice therapist.

    Have you ever read Geneen Roth? She has some good books on eating disorders, and they relate to alcohol too. Because it’s more about the compulsive behaviour than anything else.

    Don’t let go of the mac and cheese too quickly. Treats are important. They remind us that we deserve yummy things, just because.

    Keep at it!


    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Anne. I really appreciate your thoughts and experience. I can’t get fat and I’m uncomfortable with the weight gain for sure as I’m a little heavier than I want to be. Isn’t it bad that I wish I could be a restricter??!! Gah.
      I’ll check out Roth. I didn’t make it to a meeting last weekend (I tried, but it was cancelled and I gave up), but I think I’m going to try again this weekend. I’m a little scared of AA meetings depressing or stressing me and making me want to drink, but hoping the support will help too.


  4. Rachel, amazeballs to Day 10!!! Rock & Roll, sister. …. As for the When-will-I-look-healthier question, it just depends on you and your body. I remember the first week, I thought I had changed enormously from one night drinking, to the next day not, but really, it was just my outlook. Reality came from a photo on FB, however, even though the physical was still pretty bloated and fluffy and well, looking like an alcoholic, I Felt so much better/different/alive on the inside. That’s the feeling I held onto, and still try to when I’m having an off day. Even now, I will have a day when I am just dragging. Some of it is biorhythms, some of it is made up of the layers and layers of drinking-years our bodies are working to shuffle off, and some of it is just the day. Congratulations again. Double-digits is HUGE!!! -HM.*

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yay to you!!!!! I out on weight when I first gave up drinking, I spent the first few months with my head in a feedbag full of ice-cream and chocolate and yes, I was worried about the weight gain too but for me, anything was better than picking up a drink and if ice-cream is what I needed to get me through – so be it (it didn’t take long for me to lose the weight either by the way ) the glowing, clear skin etc took a while for me, probably around the 3 month mark – be patient and kind to yourself, it will all happen.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Rachel!
    You are doing so well!
    It took awhile for people to say I looked good!
    I still don’t think I look good, at least not in morning! Ha.
    I lost weight, but I didn’t eat a ton.
    I’d have a little bit of ice cream, as it seems that was all I needed!

    Liked by 1 person

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