I wasn’t going to go to the SMART Recovery meeting tonight — but I did.
I had been thinking I was too busy this week, that I have something going every night except Friday (so far), that I’m slammed at work and my dog is home long days, and…and…I’ll just skip this time because I’m feeling good and it’s fine.
But then, I kept noticing a certain niggling, nagging chatter in my head. The kind that goes, You know why the cute guy (E.) hasn’t texted you yet, it’s because you were boring because you don’t drink. Or maybe you’re just too high maintenance, that’s probably why. Or maybe he thinks it’s just the tip of the iceberg and you must be hiding something. He wonders what it means. Or maybe… you just weren’t sexy because you didn’t have a glass of wine…
You’re not good enough (because?)(and?) you don’t drink.
Brene Brown (who is also sober) would have a field day with this.
I kept hearing Belle in my head saying, “You don’t want to get to the point where you start thinking, ‘This is too hard.’ That’s Wolfie. Avoid overwhelm. Don’t drift from your supports. And don’t wait until you think you need them, because by then you could be on your way to relapse…”
I kept hearing the promise I made to myself (and to anyone listening on my blog–that’s YOU) that this time I was cranking up the support and doing this differently. This time I would LISTEN to the advice of others and do what they say. I promised.
This is too hard. No, I wasn’t thinking it yet, but somewhere in the back of my mind I was worrying. I could feel it back there, a lurking shadow. The faintest whisper — surely from the fecking wine harpy — saying, Being sober is hard. It’s really hard. Especially dating someone new. You want to be NORMAL with this guy, don’t you? Don’t give him reasons not to be excited about you. It doesn’t have to be so uncomfortable… If you just had one glass of wine at dinner, you would give him one fewer reason to reject you. Be nooooorrrrrmmaaaaalllllll…..
But the thing is, E. was awesome about my not drinking. He was supportive and didn’t even finish his drink. All that shit is going on in MY head, and I really had no reason to believe that my not drinking had phased him negatively at all.
AND WHAT ABOUT BRADLEY COOPER? Natalie Portman? Naomi Campbell? Ben Affleck? (Rachel B! Brene Brown!)
All fantastically sexy and interesting people (I’m sure!), and they don’t drink.
So, at 5:45 p.m., I found myself very suddenly packing up my stuff and heading straight to the 6 o’clock meeting for the support. And because only five people showed up tonight, we spent some time breaking down my assumptions about what normal-drinking people think about non-drinkers, and how the goal is to normalize my not drinking (in my head) in situations like dates — or every day life. Essentially, the meeting leader said, E. was most likely not thinking about my not drinking at all (that was me), and the more we can treat it like a non-issue in these situations, the better off we’ll be. That’s the goal.
Wouldn’t that be awesome? That freedom? To be, like, ho-hum, no big deal, I don’t drink but you go ahead. That’s how I am with pot (I’ve never liked it or cared). And meat.
If I’m honest, I’ll admit I’m still a wee bit stressed out about it, that E. will care if I don’t drink, but I really do think I just need to breathe and decompress. It’s just compounded by the fact that dating is just nerve-wracking! The actual real issue is the part of my brain (wine harpy!) that is trying to use this opportunity to negotiate “moderation” or some bullshit. That is the God honest truth of it and I know it. That’s what the harpy wants.
She can bite me.
I won’t do it. Not this time. It’s not worth it, and do you know what? I’m kind of curious about what it’s going to feel like to spend time with the guy without wine. There is that silly stuff like, what do we do right before the music show this coming Saturday when there isn’t time for dinner? In the old days I would have said, Let’s have a drink! But now? Hell, I don’t know… Appetizers and fun fizzy drinks somewhere cool, maybe?
Hm. I think I just answered my own question. 🙂
Rachel. Day 10.
Sunday is Daylight Savings and I CAN NOT WAIT. The sun is staying longer, flowers are beginning to bloom, and I am excited to see my favorite flower soon. Peonies. They have such a short window, but they are the absolute best while they are here.