Soundly flogged by my own

Tonight, rowing was hell.

I didn’t actually row — I had to be the coxswain, because it was my turn. We rotate through the lineups, and because I was out for work for a couple of weeks (grrr), I didn’t get to row, but my number still moves forward to cox. Bleck. At least it’s over now.

I couldn’t see (it was too dark without the moon), I couldn’t hear (it was windy and our coach was behind us), I couldn’t do much right except make the calls to keep them rowing, but even that I fucked up a few times. I was in Backwardsland tonight for some reason (I was literally sitting the reverse from normal), and kept wanting to call the rower on the opposite sides. Some of the rowers were being jerk faces about it (just rude and un-teamplayer-like), which embarrassed me and bummed me out. This is my thing. I’m really good at this. And for a couple of bitches (frankly) to get oddly vocal about how things were sucking, was a bit too much for me. I wish I’d told them to shut it, grow the hell up and have some class. I didn’t think about it until I’d been stewing in my own shame for a little while, and then became quietly indignant. Like, what the hell, why did they need to be that way? For realz. I go back and forth between regretting not calling them out and being glad I took the high road. But did it look like weakness? Aren’t you supposed to meet bullies head on? Maybe.

I emailed my coach and asked him if the team could have a little talk next time about supporting each other in harsh conditions. We’ll see what he says.

Anyway, I left pissed off and wanting to head to Whole Foods, buy a big bottle of red and drink three or four big glasses to stuff down these feelings.  Sadness, anger, resentment, frustration, shame, embarrassment, regret, disappointment — it was all there. The whole nine yards of drinkers’ best excuses to drink!

But I didn’t.

Quickly I realized that was just a dumb idea, and I really needed to sit in my feelings and feel them. Gah. Feel yer fucking ass hole feelings.

SHALT — Sad, Hungry, Angry/Agitated, Lonely, Tired. Try to avoid that shizzle. Do some deep breathing. Drink some tea and take a shower and write a blog post quick before I need to get to bed and start a new day. It’s time to end this day. That’s a fact.

What is it about Tuesdays? I’m noticing a pattern here. Last Tuesday sucked ass too.

Ah well. I’m home with my dog, Bub, who is sweet as ever, and he is ALWAYS, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, loving and supportive of me. Always at my side, no. matter. what.

I’m really tired and I just want to shut my eyes and start again tomorrow. So, with that said, I think I will.

SOBER

That’s all.

Rachel. Day 11.

15 thoughts on “Soundly flogged by my own

    • Thanks, TS. I’m still reeling a bit, and it occurs to me (again) how very sensitive I am to the energy of others. Super empathic — to an extreme. I am a sponge from other people’s energy. So, it means I need boundaries and I stay away from people with bad energy whenever I can, but last night it was kind of foisted on me due to circumstances. Deep breath… I didn’t drink over it like I used to, which I can only believe helps me get stronger for next time. 🙂

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  1. I always think of the 10 commandments movie from the 50s(?) with your modification of ‘HALT.’ With yours, I always here a big GodVoice saying ‘Though Shalt Not!’ Cue thunder, lightning, burning bushes, etc. …. Way to push through the crap! You’re doing it, baby!

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    • Thanks, lady. Jay-sus (another biblical reference). I played softball in high school, but I’ve never experienced the stress of this team sport. The comparison. The competition. And the amazing unity when it all is beautiful. I do think my coach needs to say something about being a team, though. That fecking sucked. 🙂 But I didn’t drink over it and I’m grateful.

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  2. Yep, sitting with your feelings sucks, right??? But it is necessary for emotional growth and all that shit. Is good. Is adulting. And adulting is hard! But you prevailed. I have no idea what any of the stuff you said about rowing means but number one, good for you for going out on the dark and cold and doing something you love instead of hiding out and isolating, number two, good for you for taking the higher road and not telling those bitches to eat a bag of glitter dicks and ruining the practice (I think talking to the coach later is the mature thing to do), and number three, good for you for not drinking despite a night of frustrations! Great job! Xoxo

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