Now that I’ve committed to writing something every night for the next 87 days, I’m even more impressed by people like Belle who have managed to do it AND be interesting and insightful every single day.
Today is my Friday — I have tomorrow off — and I felt the teeniest craving to relax into a bottle of wine after rowing tonight. It didn’t last long, and instead I came home, snacked a little and watched an episode of “House of Cards.” They sure drink a lot on that show. They sure drink a lot on a lot of the shows I watch, as it turns out. Most of the time it doesn’t bug me, but sometimes… it does.
I’m still very much in that place where I feel like I’m inhabiting two selves at the same time: the self that thinks a glass of wine would be fun/satisfying/comforting/euphoric, and the self that is looking at that situation almost from outside of myself, and knows it isn’t at all what that first self has it cracked up to be. It’s like two sides of the Cab-colored looking glass. It’s going to take time to jettison the first self. I know.
I do keep hearing that voice again in the back of my head. The wine harpy, whispering in my ear that after 100 days I’ll see how I feel. I’m not going to fight that voice anymore — not now. I’ll just go all Aikido on it and bend like a reed. Whatever. Sure, harpy. Sounds fine, I say to her, but back off because I’m going a 100 days this time. It’s not forever, just 100 days. We’ll see how I feel then. Talk to me then.
“Stay Here.” I finally broke down and bought the “Stay Here” bracelet from Belle. I already have the “Not Today” bracelet — I wear it every day. But something about stay here has been resonating with me lately. Stay. Right. Here. I don’t want to think about 100 days or forever or next week. I’m just going to think about today. And maybe, if I’m feeling good and bold, I’ll think about tomorrow. But that’s it. I don’t need to sort out what I’m going to do on day 100 right now. I’m a helluva long way from that and it isn’t productive for me to be spending cycles on the philosophical merits of telling myself 100 days vs 100+ vs forever, etc. For now, I’m right here.
I have another date Saturday night with the guy, E. This time we’re going to see some music which starts kind of early (6:30 p.m.), so I left logistics open in case he wanted to make it a quick thing again like last time. (I’ve sometimes likened myself to a “dating autistic…I feel like I can’t read men’s expressions or behaviors accurately at all. like face blindness, but with romantic cues.) But he suggested we have a “late lunch/early dinner” at 4:30, so yay! I guess ‘be careful what you wish for,’ because now I’m definitely going to be with him for at least five hours, and all sober.
I’m going to do a lot of deep breathing and power posing (see: Amy Cuddy) before he comes to pick me up. 🙂 I’m also going to have a good talk with my life coach tomorrow about bringing my female energy to the date. Tips on how to be sexy and appealing. Oh, how I envy women who just get it. I know I don’t need wine to relax and have fun with him, but just try to tell that to my reptile brain! There’s a whole lotta years of programming to undo, and I’m diving in, head first (to mix metaphors).
The sun came out a bit today and it was beautiful. My coach responded to my email, and then masterfully addressed some of the team’s attitude issue during practice today. I was so relieved. I have to work tomorrow on my day off, but my good friend and I booked our airbnb apartment in Rome this morning and I’m so excited! Two weeks until I leave for Venice. I can’t wait. I’m very lucky and very grateful. It was a good day.
Rachel. Day 13.