Mac ‘n’ cheese cures all ills

I’m exhausted and when my coach asked the team who wanted to sit out from rowing tonight because we were one too many, I volunteered. I was there. I don’t know what I was thinking except how tired I am. I have two more chances to row before I’m gone for 2.5 weeks, and it was the most beautiful day we’ve had since last fall. And yet, I found myself driving to Whole Foods instead of rowing, on a mission to get ice cream because what I was hearing in my head was that tonight wine might be a nice escape. It is my Friday, after all, and I’m wrecked.

The good news is that I can go ahead and have that thought and the counter-thoughts are growing stronger, strong enough to overtake them quickly. I don’t want to be in this “prison” anymore. I don’t want to feel like shit tomorrow. I don’t want to do or say things that I will regret. I want my spirit to continue to soar up and up. Good things are starting to happen and maybe I’m being superstitious or supernatural or supersomething, but I can’t help but connect the shift that seems to be happening to how my energy, my vibe, my FREQUENCY is shifting since I’ve been quitting drinking. And while I think I’ve been losing a little weight and it feels great, tonight I decided to have some ice cream.

Of course, by the time I left Whole Foods, I had already snacked on some takeaway Mac ‘n’ Cheese and country fried tofu. It was marked “Comfort Food” with a big ole’ sign and hell yes I took comfort in it. Sure… I was regretting the calories I hadn’t burned, and the massive fat calories I ate instead — big time. But… I was heading home to watch the sun set with my Bub, planning to do some work I needed to do with much less stress, and then hitting bed early, which is really hard after a night of rowing. And I didn’t buy wine.

I will start anew tomorrow on the fitness front. The sun is supposed to be glorious again.

This has been a really hard couple of weeks at work. WAY too much work to do and not enough time to do it. Execs breathing down my neck about getting to the next thing, doing more, doing it differently. I love my job, but this has been a not fun, hard week.

And yet, I can brag to myself that I have been exhausted and stressed and frustrated and quite literally near the breaking point, and I still haven’t drunk about it. It doesn’t even cross my mind at work (thank god), and when I get home, most days, it doesn’t cross my mind then either. It’s really just Fridays and Saturdays that are still the hard days, and I know from experience (the last time I made it more than a month), that the weekend cravings start to fade pretty quickly too.

Can’t wait for the “miracle” to happen. 🙂

My life coach suggested I might ask my doc about beta blockers for the times when I’m feeling really anxious, like when I’m on a date. Those tend to be my very most difficult times to not drink. So, I asked my naturopath about it, and she said that before I go to that extreme (I guess beta blockers mess with your heart function and a side effect can be dizziness and depression, among other things), I should consider a natural alternative called Kavinace, by Neuroscience. I ordered it and we’ll see. I think it arrived today and maybe I’ll test it out this weekend while I’m at the wedding stuff in Portland. Because really, if I can conquer those anxious situations without booze, I’m going to be happy as a pig in the shizzle. Happy as a clam. Happy as a tick on a fat dog.

You get the picture.

Here’s to mac ‘n’ cheese instead of merlot.

Rachel. Day 20.

22 thoughts on “Mac ‘n’ cheese cures all ills

  1. i made homemade mac and chesse tonight for the first time ever and ohmygoddess, it was so damn delicious! most of it was eaten quickly. i’m a huge fan of herbal medicines and used them quite often natural healing is always a great choice, even if you’re using it to compliment conventional medicine. 😀 yay for day 20, it was day 19 for the husband.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m glad you didn’t listen to your life coach. That was a very irresponsible medical suggestion.

    What about GABA, magnesium, lavender? I use all of these and they work very well.
    Especially GABA, which You can buy at whole foods. I only take it when really stressed and it is great.
    I take medication for anxiety Evey day, so I understand it sucks.

    Bravo for taking a night off when you were tired. That is the secret to happiness. Doing what you need to do, not what you think you “should”.

    Yay you.


  3. Wonderful job listening to what you needed for the evening …today is another beautiful day (I’m in your general area)How amazing to have rowing as an exercise choice…I also wanted to try it…I’m way behind you at day 6 but cheering on your success and will be interested in how you navigate your trips…Good Job!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good job on day 6! I remember when getting past day 5 was a huge deal — and it IS! Rowing is really fantastic and I’m just finally getting good enough that it’s a really good workout too. Thanks for checking in, V. I’ll make sure to write regularly on my trips (not sure I can commit to every day anymore since that seems to *add* too much stress that I’m trying to avoid), but I will make it a priority. The Europe trip is mostly for work, so there’s that little bit of pressure, but then the last weekend I’m spending the weekend in Rome with an old friend. Can’t wait!


  4. I just told hubs to bring home ice cream!
    I used to have those feelings connected to the weekend, too.
    Now, they are fun without all the drinking!
    It really can be just as fun, just different!
    Rowing must be awesome exercise!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey,congrats! good for you to recognize that you are tired, and take the break. Listening to your body (not the wine witch) is a huge step forward. And sometimes your body will say – you know what? We’re doing great, how ’bout some ice cream? I have no idea about beta blockers, but I do know that as I progressed through sobriety, I became calmer and more self confident, so maybe your anxiety will decrease naturally in time? In any event, it’s good advice to try herbal remedies first, I think. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Rachel. I just found your blog too and love it!! I am only on day 3 and your daily journal has inspired me to stay the course. I have had a dickens of a time getting back on track after relapsing 5 years ago! Prior to that I had two long stretches (years) of sobriety….sigh. Sure hope we hear from you soon. No matter what you are going through we are here for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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