Christmas Day, and I’d really like to numb out

la-la-landI just saw “La La Land,” and I guess I should have predicted this: Watching Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in a beautiful Hollywood romance just made me feel more lonely. And like I missed some big opportunities in my life. And that I just want to feel good and numb this ache. And that would happen if I drank a bottle of wine.

Yeah, after 158 days (more than 5 months) that would also make me sick as a dog. But some days a person can get really fucking tired of feeling her feelings and being present and doing the next best thing and thinking it all the way through and not comparing myself to others and being grateful and reaching out and looking for other ways to find my joy…

A bubble bath isn’t going to cut it.

Some days…this just fucking sucks.

I suddenly want to write them all down. All the relationships I had that didn’t work but maybe could have if I’d just done things a bit differently…all the work opportunities I had if I’d taken more risk or had more faith, but I chose something else instead…all the time I spent in my early life not being as smart as I could have been. All the time I spent doing things that led me to being nearly 50 and living in a small apartment alone with my dog, despite having known and dated really amazing men, having worked with really amazing (some famous) people, having had exposure and opportunities 20, even 10 years ago that I didn’t recognize for being as amazing as they were. I want to make them amount to something.

I used to say I don’t really have regrets. That I’ve had an amazing life of experience. That it has all led me here. And yet now, my whole life feels like a series of regrets.

I feel like I’ve been working hard to make good decisions and build a life that I want to stay sober for, but it’s coming slow. I can see now that drinking a bottle of wine now would be a cop out. An escape hatch to a place that might feel better for the moment, but is an illusion.

And so, I’m left sitting here lonely and in pain in this life I’m in. I built this life. I am here after a long series of life choices, including the decision to quit drinking. I decided I needed to take a clear-eyed look at my life and the way I’ve been living it.

I’m 48 years old and I’m not sure what the future holds. It does seem whatever that is, it’s a far cry from a love affair with Ryan Gosling and La La Land. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the best day to watch an homage to screen love affairs of the Golden Era.

They say “your worst day sober is better than your best day drinking.” Well that sure seems like bullshit at the moment. I wasn’t that heavy a drinker, I just wanted a different life. I wanted to change my trajectory. I was taking the easy way out.

Maybe that’s the gift of sobriety: the clarity of what was the booze’s fault and what probably wasn’t.

Ugh.

There’s too much noise in my head. I just want out of my head.

I’m going to go on a long walk with my dog. Maybe that will relieve some of the pressure.

Rachel. Day 158.