Christmas Day, and I’d really like to numb out

la-la-landI just saw “La La Land,” and I guess I should have predicted this: Watching Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in a beautiful Hollywood romance just made me feel more lonely. And like I missed some big opportunities in my life. And that I just want to feel good and numb this ache. And that would happen if I drank a bottle of wine.

Yeah, after 158 days (more than 5 months) that would also make me sick as a dog. But some days a person can get really fucking tired of feeling her feelings and being present and doing the next best thing and thinking it all the way through and not comparing myself to others and being grateful and reaching out and looking for other ways to find my joy…

A bubble bath isn’t going to cut it.

Some days…this just fucking sucks.

I suddenly want to write them all down. All the relationships I had that didn’t work but maybe could have if I’d just done things a bit differently…all the work opportunities I had if I’d taken more risk or had more faith, but I chose something else instead…all the time I spent in my early life not being as smart as I could have been. All the time I spent doing things that led me to being nearly 50 and living in a small apartment alone with my dog, despite having known and dated really amazing men, having worked with really amazing (some famous) people, having had exposure and opportunities 20, even 10 years ago that I didn’t recognize for being as amazing as they were. I want to make them amount to something.

I used to say I don’t really have regrets. That I’ve had an amazing life of experience. That it has all led me here. And yet now, my whole life feels like a series of regrets.

I feel like I’ve been working hard to make good decisions and build a life that I want to stay sober for, but it’s coming slow. I can see now that drinking a bottle of wine now would be a cop out. An escape hatch to a place that might feel better for the moment, but is an illusion.

And so, I’m left sitting here lonely and in pain in this life I’m in. I built this life. I am here after a long series of life choices, including the decision to quit drinking. I decided I needed to take a clear-eyed look at my life and the way I’ve been living it.

I’m 48 years old and I’m not sure what the future holds. It does seem whatever that is, it’s a far cry from a love affair with Ryan Gosling and La La Land. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the best day to watch an homage to screen love affairs of the Golden Era.

They say “your worst day sober is better than your best day drinking.” Well that sure seems like bullshit at the moment. I wasn’t that heavy a drinker, I just wanted a different life. I wanted to change my trajectory. I was taking the easy way out.

Maybe that’s the gift of sobriety: the clarity of what was the booze’s fault and what probably wasn’t.

Ugh.

There’s too much noise in my head. I just want out of my head.

I’m going to go on a long walk with my dog. Maybe that will relieve some of the pressure.

Rachel. Day 158.

 

16 thoughts on “Christmas Day, and I’d really like to numb out

  1. I’m sorry you are bummed out, I also saw La La Land today. We must have had different experiences…. I don’t know. I thought the ending was pretty on point. Anyway, drinking is not going to help. I’m just waiting for this dumb day to be over – I’m tremendously bored. And my friends are going to the bar to sing karaoke. I don’t have it in me to join them and stay sober.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for this. You know… I think you’re right. This is a good case of me focusing on the pain and not the gladness. My story isn’t over. I’m still on my path.

      Yes, bored. And there is far too much loneliness in the face of all this time with family and friends. Good for you for staying home. And thanks for saying something tonight. It helped. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I totally get the movie thing. I used to cry watching love stories when I was IN a relationship, because I knew that what I had was certainly not like the movie. Now I don’t watch Home fixer upper shows because it makes me want a house! And I’m 55, single and no house. 🙂 But sober. And I love Emma Stone, and can’t wait to see the movie. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Here and hoping your evening/day has gotten a bit better. Or, if it’s still frustrating-shitty-shit-like, then I hope you’re in bed, tucked in up to your chin, with a good book, that cute dog cuddling you, and ready to sleep ’til tomorrow. Which, hopefully will be brighter, and if not? A bit of chocolate, another walk, whatever it takes to elevate the lows, even if only briefly. Hang in there, friend.* …. Was thinking, too, about those friends and contacts you’ve built over the years, I find when I reach out to people from my past, they’re usually more excited and happy to hear from me than weirded out that I’m calling. Sometimes it’s for business/professional assistance or collaboration, and sometimes it’s because I’ve missed them and we’ve both just lapsed on communication because of Life. You may hold some of those dreams in your hands already… All is definitely not lost, especially when you consider how much you Have lived and loved and laughed. … Again, hang in there. Thinking of you.* Merry Christmas from a blustery Midwest woman. -HM.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey HM, thanks so much for this. The walk did help and today I feel a bit better about things… I still feel like I want to “document” some of my experiences somehow, as weird as that sounds, but I also really have to look at the rest of life like today is the first day and there is a lot of good stuff ahead. I try to take some heart in knowing that Julia Child didn’t even start cooking until she was in her 40s. I just need to take care of me . I keep having thoughts of drinking again at one year, but then another voice comes in with all the counter arguments why that isn’t the answer. Why that could set me back and what is it I’m really missing that I think drinking is going to provide? And what about the woman who was so unhappy and sure that drinking had something to do with it? I wasn’t sure what — that’s part of the problem — but *something.* I was missing my life. Now I’m not drinking and discovering myself and this opened up life is a slower process than I’d realized. I’m trying hard to keep the faith. I need to head over to your blog and be reminded of how life can be better. I’m not really seeing that part yet. Thanks for being there, though. Merry Christmas and here comes 2017! xo R

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Some days being sober does suck because you just want out of your head. I can so relate to that. I can just remember how lonely alcohol made me feel. I missed my family and missed them so much more when I was drinking. Booze doesnt soothe loneliness it exasperates it in the long term. You probably know that already. 🙂 Hang in there. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Rachel!
    I am glad the walk helped.
    I know that the changes happened slower for me.
    In fact, I feel as if I just now, after more than 2 years, have more energy after stopping drinking.
    But I have made progress.
    Isn’t it interesting how we think that a temporary fix will make things better?
    I would keep trying to “fix” a life problem by drinking.
    Big Hugs,
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hollywood is an illusion. No one has what you saw on that screen. Even good relationships take some work. Hollywood sells that but you don’t need to buy it. It’s the same with retailers and fashion magazines. I try not to be complicit in their goals.
    And I GUARANTEE that some of the people you describe as amazing would describe you in the same way. Because you are amazing. It hurts to hear you put yourself down like this because we know you’re wrong. Your self love will give you what no one else can. ; )

    Liked by 1 person

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