My life coach (C.) and my sober coach (Belle) would say (are saying) that I need more supports. Because, if I’m able to stay sober for days or weeks at a time (which I have), and then some other self inside my head (the wine witch, goblin, wolfie…I need a metaphor that really fits for me) convinces me that maybe I’ve blown this all out of proportion and I can moderate if I really try…so I try..and I fail…then I don’t have enough supports.
“Don’t try harder, try differently,” says Belle. Yesterday, my life coach (lovingly) said it too. That I need more community. She said belonging and acceptance are so important — primal needs — that it’s damn near impossible to do anything that feels like I’m going to lose that fundamental need. That’s why it is so critical to have sober community.
My online community has been amazing, when I’ve stayed engaged. But maybe I do need to try SMART meetings or AA again. Yeah, I’m resisting it, but I’m also hearing my coaches (and Einstein) loud and clear: I can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. I consistently get to a certain point where I start to feel good (or bad) several weeks in, and the fecking wine harpy — yaaass, HARPY — whispers that I really can live a balanced life with red wine if I try harder. If I just commit. If I just show some discipline.
Yeah, right. We all know how that story ends.
Change takes time, and my coach assures me this is a completely normal process. She sent me this:
So, I’m starting again and I’m adding more supports. My coach said, “Add an unreasonable level of support.” Meetings several times a week? Ugh. OK, I’ll look into it. I found an all-women meeting tomorrow I’ll try. Blog every single day for the next 100 days? Yes. Even if it’s just a couple of lines. And I’ll email Belle twice a day for the first 30 days. And I’ll read her book and other blogs every day. And podcasts. And set up the sober coaching calls I paid for months ago. And I’ll put sleep as a top priority. And make sure I’m getting sober treats every day. And I’m going to start exercising more than just my rowing, but walking/running with my dog too. And I’m not going to go to any events where I don’t feel completely solid for at least the next six weeks or more. We’ll see. And I’m going to take 5-10 minutes every morning to breathe and meditate and ground myself for the day. AND I’m going to get a sun lamp and try some light therapy, because I don’t think the dark Seattle winter days are doing me (or my mood) any favors (we just broke a record for Winter with the most rain ever on record. nice.). I’d like to avoid anti-depressants, so we’ll see. And if I need to get into bed at 8pm to just get to the next day, I WILL. And I’m going to put dating on a pause because it’s just too triggering. Mr. Right can wait 100+ days until I’m feeling ready.
And I’ll try to be kind to myself and through this process. It’s really hard.
Because I remember last time I went weeks sober and was finally beginning to see glimpses of the bliss, and how amazing that felt. I was finally enjoying evenings without alcohol and it was so great. I wasn’t bored anymore. I felt (gasp!) happy. I want that life. I really do. I will make it to 100 days this time. I will blog every single day no matter what, for better or worse! I admit it: I’m scared for some reason, but I want to change my life. I want the better life I know is possible. Thanks for being out there, going through this with me. It matters.
No more U-turns.
Rachel. Day 1.
p.s. It’s a bit embarrassing to look back at older posts and hear myself saying the same things, over and over. Ah the addict’s brain. Fecking wine harpy. I keep trying. I keep trying. We all know how hard this is, how manipulative the harpy can be.
I’m adding more supports this time. She can suck it.